“Another mental exercise is the counting game. How much have I had today? How much can I still have? Which foods on the list are still available to me? I didn't eat that item yesterday, so maybe I can have two of them today. If I save up enough points all week, I can have two-thirds of an ounce of birthday cake at the party tomorrow. All the while, the focus of attention is on food.”
As I’m going through the final edits on my book, The Main Meal, this paragraph popped out at me today. It is from the chapter “On a Diet” and describes some of the craziness I felt every time I was trying to lose weight through one food program or other.
I felt so frantic back then. My mind was always racing, and I was afraid all the time. I was afraid I would sabotage my diet. I was afraid I wouldn’t lose weight. I was afraid I’d disappoint someone. I was afraid no one would love me unless I changed.
The book goes on to describe how I learned to calm my racing mind and find the path to loving myself. What I’m noticing today is how far I’ve come. Even when I first wrote those words, I was still on shaky ground. I understood my own value, but I knew it more than felt it. Today I feel more solid and I am so grateful for this peace.
This morning I woke to the sun peaking over the horizon and lighting up my wall. There are birds singing outside my window and I have a beautiful place to live and to write. The coffee is strong and hot and I begin my day with the expectation that I will notice and appreciate all of the good around me and within me.
Some people consider me more than a little bit crazy, and I guess that’s true on some levels. Now and then, my choices might lead the outside observer to believe I’ve got a few screws loose. The difference is, I don’t feel crazy inside. I am at peace with the choices I make because I make them consciously. I understand that appearances don’t define the person I am.
Today’s main meal menu calls for relaxing into who I am, with gratitude and joy.